


Restless

by starrynightdan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Adele makes me cruel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dan has made mistakes, M/M, Phil is a bit angry, Reality, Songfic, how to I tag a fic that is technically reality but with altercations to it, i'm sorry tbh, mentions of 2009, mentions of 2012, universe altered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:19:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynightdan/pseuds/starrynightdan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why?” he simply asks, and Dan knows what he means. Why did you leave me? Why did you suddenly disappear from my life? Why wasn’t I good enough?</p>
<p>He can’t answer that if he’s being honest. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Four years after everything went to hell, Dan and Phil meet again<br/>(Based on "When We Were Young" by Adele)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restless

**Author's Note:**

> It is 1am on a school night and I have spent the past four hours writing this, because Adele turned me into an emotional mess.
> 
> I highly recommend listening to "When We Were Young" whilst reading this.

Dan doesn’t want to be here. It’s cold and the icy wind bites his wrists that are exposed to the air, as his gloveless hands don’t fully fit in his pockets, and it’s drizzling, but he had promised Louise to attend this event, and he never breaks his promises. Almost.

He reaches the hall ten minutes late, camera dangling from his shoulder, invitation in hand and a frown adorning his face. He quickly lets his glance wander over the crowd, looking for Louise tell her that he’s been here, can he please go now? But before Dan can find the blonde, he is suddenly distracted by a light punch in his arm and a question about his well-being by none other than Chris, who he hasn’t spoken to in years, and he immediately wants to vanish into thin air.

Chris is by far not the only one he hasn’t had contact with since it happened, and so Dan finds himself surrounded by the people that he used to consider his best friends, asking questions he’d rather not answer, and answering with stories of their own, great lives. Only one person is missing, and Dan prays to every god he’s ever heard of, and perhaps to a few superheroes as well that that person is too busy to come, because he definitely can’t see him now. Not like this, not after everything that has happened between them.

But, as with everything in his life, Dan is unlucky, and when he lifts his head to look for Louise yet again, he sees him. He is wearing a blue button-down that makes his eyes pop and Dan’s knees go weak. His hair looks soft, lightly falling into his eyes, and Dan tries not to recall how it feels clenched in his fists in ecstasy, but horribly fails to do so. His long legs are clad in black skinny jeans that make him look even more irresistible. Phil Lester has arrived and for the second time in the span of ten minutes, Dan wants to disappear.

Before he can stop him, PJ raises his hand and waves, a sign for Phil to join their little group, inevitably confronting Dan with the one person he wanted to avoid at all costs. After everything that had happened, how could Phil not hate him? How could he not be utterly disgusted by the mere thought of him?

Phil greets everyone personally, and at first it seems he doesn’t notice Dan, who’s desperately trying to emerge into the shadows, eager to vanish. But then, a small gasp can be heard, followed by a non-believing “Dan?” as Phil finally lays his eyes on him. His facial expression changes from confusion to anger to something else that can’t be pinpointed in the span of a few seconds. Then he forces himself to smile politely because clearly, Phil is an adult, and adults don’t make a scene when suddenly meeting their Ex. Because that’s what they are: Ex-best friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-lovers. Nothing more than a “used to be”, a missed opportunity, a “could have been”.

“Phil. It‘s good to see you.” Dan greeted shortly, trying to avoid the older man’s burning gaze. There is a short yet uncomfortable silence, until Hazel picks up the topic again, trying to involve Phil into the conversation. Dan keeps his mouth shut although he does have an opinion on gender roles that he would have expressed under different circumstances. The chatting wavers on and after a few minutes, Dan excuses himself to get some fresh air.

Finally outside, Dan grabs the railing of the balcony and takes a deep breath. This can’t be happening, he can’t be here. Not after everything that Dan did to him that night, back when they were young and dumb and reckless.

He tries to steady his breaths, knuckles turning white from his tight grip. It’s almost like his life depends on how hard he clings to the railing, and maybe it does. Maybe, Dan forgot how to be alive.

His train of thoughts is interrupted by a soft hand being placed on his shoulder. He doesn’t have to turn around to know who it belongs to, he could recall that gentle touch any day.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks, and the question is unnecessary because they both know that no, he is not. But Dan still has an ounce of pride left, so he tries to lie and lets out a laugh, but it sounds more like a ragged sob than anything else. He closes his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts, taking a deep breath. But before he can say what he wanted to say, the hand on his shoulder disappears, his skin tingling with the absence of warmth and touch, and Phil leans against the railing, forcing Dan to face him.

“Why?” he simply asks, and Dan knows what he means. _Why did you leave me? Why did you suddenly disappear from my life? Why wasn’t I good enough?_

He can’t answer that if he’s being honest.

“Why, Dan?” Phil asks again, more forcefully this time, as if he really wants an answer.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Dan murmurs, because he is too damn proud and unable to admit he’s made the biggest mistake of his life that night. Phil scoffs angrily and shakes his in disbelief.

“Don’t act like you forgot, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Why did you leave? Why did you suddenly decide that I wasn’t worth your time? Why did I never hear from you again?” Phil is definitely in rage now, and the words are flowing out of his mouth, neither of the two being able to stop them. “I loved you, Dan, and you left me. I know we had a hard time adapting to everything that suddenly came crashing down on us, but we could have worked it out. We could have made it, Dan. We could have gotten married and lived in a nice house in the suburbs of London with a dog and kids, we could have been happy. But instead I wake up to an empty flat, all your belongings gone; every trace of you vanished like you never even existed. You just left me overnight, you broke me, and I spent four goddamn years trying to fix the damage you’d done, and now you just act like you don’t know what you did, because you’re too much of a bloody coward to face the mistakes you’ve made.”

There are tears prickling in both of their eyes now, and a lump forming in their respective throats.

“I’m sorry.” Dan croaks, unable to raise his voice, his words barely a whisper. “I’m so sorry, Phil.” The tears are now running and like the man next to him did a few moments before, Dan finds the words spilling out of his mouth. “I’m so sorry I left you, Phil. I was an idiot and a bloody coward, still am. I’m so fucking sorry that I ruined everything we had because I was too frightened to commit, because I was too much of a coward to tell the world what I felt for you. I’m sorry I broke your heart and mine with it, I’m so, _so_ sorry, Phil. I understand if you hate me, I understand if you never want to see me again, but please know that I am truly sorry for what I did.”

The words that Dan had tried to suppress are finally being said, and it feels so, so good. Dan feels lighter now, his heart beating faster with a new feeling of hope, his eyes however still filled with tears of regret.

They stay quiet for what seems like an eternity. Then, as if trying not to startle him, Phil slowly places a hand on Dan’s back and pulls him into a hug. It’s awkward and very sudden, but Dan can’t be bothered because this is Phil. The same Phil he hugged a million times before, the same Phil that he is still undeniably in love with, even after everything. His Phil.

“I could never hate you.” The older murmurs into Dan’s ear, hugging him even tighter, and in that moment, it feels like they could take on the world together.

 

* * *

A few days later, they meet for coffee. At first it’s awkward again, but once they’re over the stage of “so what have you been doing in the past four years”, conversation flows naturally like it used to, back then. The lighting in the café makes Phil’s eyes appear even lighter and prettier than they usually are, and Dan can’t resist taking pictures of him, because he brings his camera everywhere, simply to capture the beautiful things he comes across, and Phil definitely is one of these things.

They jump from one topic to another, and before either of them realises, they have spent the entire day just talking, and it almost feels like it’s 2009 again and they’re meeting for the first time, with lighter hearts and brighter smiles, but unbeknownst of the future.

When they separate and say their goodbyes on an empty road in the middle of London, Phil presses a soft kiss to Dan’s cheek and walks away, not before smiling at the younger, reminded of the old days.

Dan finds himself touching his cheek in disbelief, his skin prickling where Phil’s lips touched it, lingering.

Contently, he makes his way home, a smile forming on his face. They certainly aren’t going to get their missed years back, and the mistakes they have made aren’t going to be forgotten, but it’s worth hoping for.

It definitely is a beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> What am I doing with my life...
> 
>  
> 
> I apologise for any grammar/ spelling mistakes, as english is not my native language and I am still learning :)


End file.
